Now

It has been 12 days since my husband's mum passed away and I'm finding it quite exhausting to catch up with everything I put aside while she was in the hospital and afterward. Not only do I have tons of work to do, but I find that I'm totally emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm sure it has to do with getting very little sleep. But moreover, I have realized how much strength it takes to live within the kind of intense emotion that comes when someone you love dearly is ending their life right before you eyes. I have known her since I was 17 years old... back when I fell in love my husband during the high school days.
It's weird how our reality has changed.
And yet, there are moments that I can forget that all this has happened. I mean, I can go on about my days and become completely engrossed in all my daily activities and almost enjoy the feeling that everything is the same as it was before......that nothing has changed. Then I have the urge to call her or I come across one of the myriad household gifts she gave me over the years, and all the feelings of sorrow come surging back and I break down crying, alone in my kitchen, holding a serving bowl.
I miss her.
I know that she wouldn't want us to fall apart. I know that she would want us to continue our lives the best way we can. And we intend to. I just can't believe we can't talk to her anymore. It sucks.